Popcorn Lobotomy

Aaaaaaaaaaah-hahahahaha! Aaaarrrrrrggggggh-hahahahahahahahaha!!

Aaaaaaaaawwwwwwww-hahahahahehehehehe. Ooh! Oooh! Wooooooh! Hahahahahahahaha! Hahaha! Haha! Hah! ... Phew... Wooh!... ... ... Aaaaaaaaaaah hahahahahahahahaha!

Hahaha Haha Ha!

HA!!

Allow me to be more specific.

What is it about Megan Fox movies? I seem to come out of every one I see wanting to give it negative stars. Is it because she's a terrible actress? Is it because she always plays the hot girl I could never get when I was a nerdy kid in school (yes ladies, I can hear y'all wanting to believe that one, but I already murdered that bitch in cold blood!)? Is it because she just doesn't know how to pick a decent script?

Or is it because I genuinely believe she is -- or at least has been at some point in her life -- a man?

It's fairly obvious that Jennifer's Body was supposed to be funny. If I had to guess, I'd imagine that they were going for the feel of a film like, say, "Heathers", or something like that. But let me tell you right off the bat, that this film does not achieve whatever derivative tone it was looking for!


Megan Fox's Body

Let me make this clear right now, so there is no confusion or false hope: you are not going to see Megan Fox's tits in this movie. You are not going to see her naked. Yes, I know it's called Jennifer's Body. And yes I know Megan Fox plays Jennifer. Yes, listen you love-starved, nerdling little mama's boys!

YOU WILL NOT SEE THE BODY.

And she's a goddamned MAN anyway! If you don't believe me, here's some dialogue from the movie for ya:

Needy Lesnicky: [after Colin asks Jennifer out] Colin's really nice.

Jennifer Check: He listens to maggot rock. He wears nail polish. My dick is bigger than his.

OK OK, I hear what you're saying: "Even if she WAS a man, I wouldn't kick her out of bed!"

Fine, I disagree, but just to save you the pain of watching this movie for that purpose, here is the most revealing single frame of Megan fox from Jennifer's Body:





And here's the single most hottest frame:


OK? Spank bank satisfied? Cool, let's move on...


The Story

Jennifer is friends with the aptly named "Needy". Actually, scratch that, because she would be more aptly named "Nerdy" or "The most irritating bitch on the planet".

Anyhoo, Jennifer is hot (even if she does need 16 strips of duct tape to tuck her "gender" into her tight jeans) and Needy, sadly, is not. But they get along fine. Well that is until Jenifer gets into a van with a bunch of evil rockstars, tells them she's a virgin in the hope they won't rape her, and ends up being involved in a satanic sacrifice which is only intended to work with virgins! Oh the irony!

For those of you who haven't made the same mistake in your own rituals, attempting a virgin sacrifice using a girl who is not actually a virgin (or, in the case of Jennifer, has already been established as "not even a back-door virgin, thanks to Roman!") results in said non-virgin becoming possessed by a demon. She will live through the ordeal, but will have to consume human flesh in order to sustain the demon inside her.

Terror, carnage and mayhem ensue. The end.


The Writer

Just a quick note on this, because it suprised me a little. This movie is written by Diablo Cody, who sounded instantly familiar to me as soon as I read the name. Research enlightened that her pen was responsible for scribing "Juno", which I saw and had no idea what all the fuss was about, and the TV show "The United States of Tara", which I have been told by my cousin is a great show.

Now, I'm not one for research, but let me put my unfounded opinion out there anyway. It seems to me that Jennifer's Body was designed to rope in a male audience with the promise of a naked hottie and then whack them over the head with a feminist message. The rub is that I don't think Diablo Cody is quite bright enough to subtly codify her man-hating agenda, so all we end up getting is Megan Fox's cleavage, a story that doesn't make sense and a bunch of gags that are inapproriate misfires.

I base this on a few factors:

1) She has short hair that changes colour a lot, so she has to be femo, lesbo, or both, right!?

2) This line "PMS isn't real Needy, it was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem like we're crazy."

3) The line from the trailer, which I either missed or was deleted from the final film:

Needy Lesnicky: You're killing people?
Jennifer Check: No. I'm killing boys.

Ironically, she seems to be getting criticism for not being feminist enough. Haha! Next they'll be accusing Megan Fox of not being man enough!


The Verdict

There's not much point in spending a lot of time on this one... it seems people have sense enough to avoid this one in droves already. I mean, whatever the temptation Megan Fox's cleavage may provide, even the dumbest fanboy is not going to sit through this retarded, nonsensical charade.

While it's nice to have a new actress on the scene that I can hate as much as Gwyneth Paltrow, it's a hollow hatred, and one which brings me little pleasure. It was fun to watch "Shakespear in Love" and yell at the screen "don't shag that haemophilliac, hunch-backed waif" in the scene where Gwyneth gets her tits out.

And it was fun to cheer at the head-in-the-box scene at the end of the brilliant Se7en...

But to be honest, calling Megan Fox a man is just too damned obvious. I mean, even during the during the erotic lesbian scene, about which my penis and brain conferred and decided to give a nice big thumbs-up, there was something in my subconscious murmuring "then why does she have so much hair on her face?"

Sammy and I decided early on in the design of this site not to go with the over-used and utterly cheesy technique of flipping a movie's title on its ass to make a caning review title. And that's why this review isn't called "Johnathan's Body" or "Jennifer's Lobotomy" and I'll never mention the fact that either of them crossed my mind!

And sorry Rodders, but I won't be watching "The United States of Tara" anytime soon!

-2 stars, -1 for each of Megan Fox's tits which we did not see.