Popcorn Lobotomy

First up let me say, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to my fellow reviewers, whatever readership we may have on PCL, and to the general movie-going public. I'm sorry because... oh God, can I even say this?

I liked Bitch Slap!

I downloaded it for free, and I watched it for cleavage. I admit it, I'm a tasteless fiend!

But I watched Jennifer's Body for the same reason and came out hating it, so could there be something more to this one? Perhaps some depth? Something more than just pretty faces and slow-motion cleavage?

The answer is probably no... but it's a question worth exploring.


The Acting

Despite Bitch-Slap's central premise of being a parody of 70s sexploitation films, it doesn't always play that way. The bimbos chosen for the main actresses have... ahem... yes, impressive cleavages... or is that cleavii? Either way, they have all the attributes of those seductress types of the golden era of 70s exploitation... and yet their acting is pretty convincing.

They play it at just the right pitch to make sure the audience has a fun time with the movie, never getting too upset when a character is slashed with a bladed yo-yo, impaled on a samurai sword, or just punched in the face with a hand that's sporting some nasty rings and well-manicured nails!

Trust me, I was sober at the start of this film, and those girls were acting!


The Cleavage

It was masterful sexploitation technique how they chose to keep every girl in a skimpy outfit, but still with their own style. We've got the masculine but sexy crime boss, in her waistcoat and pants... the sexy sporty girl in the tank top, with her boobs threatening to pop out at any point, almost in direct synchronisation with her rising anger... and the sweet innocent stripper with the heart of gold... which, incidentally, is the colour of her very tight-fitting dress!

Oh, and did I mention that all the outfits are low-cut? Yes, yes, I think I did.

For the fan boys like me, yes, there are slow-motion shots of girls getting out of cars, throwing water on each other, and... ok, even a lesbian sex scene or two. There isn't a lot of nudity, but who needs it when two hot girls are kissing each other on the mouth?

For the rest of you... sigh... I guess you're gonna need a story!


The Story

Listen people, I've seen Grindhouse, ok? I've even seen a lot of the original grindhouse-style movies when I was a kid. I love them, but I loved the ones with a good story, or unqiue central idea, the most.

Bitch-Slap is obviously trying to emulate the "genius" of Tarantino and Rodriguez! Genius in Tarantino's case of having a story the consists mostly of babbling, irrelevant dialogue and a 70-minute story that takes 28 minutes to reach it's first interesting scene.

And genius in Rodriguez's case is a story so steeped in repulsive gore that you barely notice if there's a story. But Rodders, Bobby, Roberto... please, don't make a joke of a Rose McGowan sex scene ever again. Just show it. Pretending it's a reel error, when I'm watching it on DVD, is just LAME! And it would never happen in a real exploitation film!

It's ok, Bobberino, I still love you for the rest of the movie... but Tarantino, you've got a lot of talking to do... but please keep it shorter than you managed with your banal Death Proof character-dialogue!

OK, sorry, what was I reviewing again?

Oh yeah, Bitch Slap! The story was pretty good, for a movie of this type. I enjoyed the non-chronological-flashback storytelling, and, although I saw the final twist coming a mile off, I was completely rooting for it, so I didn't mind when it came true.

The point is, the story had enough twists and turns to keep me awake, even when I finished my first bottle of red wine two thirds of the way through. Can 't say the same for 2012, which I fell asleep watching almost completely sober last night. The only reason it didn't form the basis of my next hateful review is because I was unable to finish it... and ethically, I can't review a movie I never fininshed... but if I ever do, you better watch your asses, you Emmer-rich bastards!


Conclusion

Listen, I'm not gonna tell you Bitch Slap was high-culture, or intellectual fodder for the more contemplative film-goer. It wasn't that and it wasn't meant to be that.

But it really did deliver what it promised to deliver. Lots of action, gore, and, yes, cleavage.

If there's any lesson to be learnt from all this, it is that a little bit of fun, self aware humor, and unapologetic sexuality can make a movie more enjoyable than it would probably be in the hands of our contemporary greats; directors such as Speilberg or Nolan.

And really, what's so wrong with that?

(3.5 stars, the highest ever rating on PCL so far! 0.5 points for each of the lead actress's breasts, and an extra 0.5 points for being better than it should have in other areas)


P.S. I apologise profusely to Sammy, who is very concerned with the credibility and integrity of this site... but when cleavage wins you over, it wins you over... I'm sure he'll come up with a caning review of "The Hurt Locker" or the critically adored "Precious" to get us right back on track!

:/