Popcorn Lobotomy

What do we REALLY want to see in a film? And let’s be honest here, we’re all friends, aren’t we?

Why beat around the bush? It’s not a Disney happy ending, or a Speiberg syruppy blockbuster fix, is it? It’s not a good scare, or a curious mystery. C'mon, film-makers, we’ve seen it all before!

Think! What is it that our primordial minds really crave?

If I was really keen to investigate the truth, top of my wish-list of interviewees would be the famous Lars Von Trier, maker of the recent movie Antichrist -- and other gems such as Dancer in the Dark, and Dogville.

Harv: Lars, what is it that you think people want to see in a film?

LVT: Apart from underagg annhil rape? Which I’m not allowed to show, by ze vee, because apparently it’s conzidered pornographique! Except in Europe; we can show anything in Europe.

Harv: Uhm… OK, apart from underage anal rape…

LVT: I think it’s clear, no? Watch my moofies. I give the owdience what it wants!

Harv: I haven’t seen them all. Is it complex engaging characters in a challenging story who have to change and grow to overcome the obstacles life puts in their way?

LVT: Huh? No! What are you talking abutt?

Harv: Is it cutting edge special effects realizing a world we could never experience first-hand?

LVT: What? No, son, I mean a couple losing their only son and then completely flipping out ya? Then the vife bashes the husband’s balls and he ejaculates blood, hehe, something for everyone! And so she naturally attaches a wheel to his leg with a couple of rusty bolts becoz she thinks he will liv her one day, then she cuts of her own dangleberries for shitz and gigglez, like the Muzlimz, no? and then he strangles her an burnz her before a bunch of people turn up to worship him.

Geddit? Haha! It’s delightful and I’m not crazy!

Becoz that’s what grief does and it’s all a big religious metaphore anyway, seez?

Harv: No, Lars, I really don’t.

LVT: So then you are ztupid, no? You don’t understand my art! Begone with you!

[Lars refuses to respond to any further questions, instead reverting to making fart sounds with his mouth for every response]

In the absence of any explanation from Lars, I’ve got this to say about Antichrist: for the 99% of you, who live in the real world and like normal things, such as puppies or licking ice-cream, just don’t be tempted by this arthouse bullshit when you see it in the video store.

For the rest of you (ie you psuedo-intellectual wanker types who like to be able to say they liked a film just for the buzz of feeling superior to the rest of us poor plebs who never took a literature class in our lives… [breath]…) hey, wank away, we’re all fucking delighted that you hate us!


The verdict

0 stars, for wasting my time pretending it was a down-to-earth story about grief when it was really a ridiculous surreal fuck-fest with inexplicable religious overtones.