I apologize in advance for this review.
I will be using the words "homo", "retard", and most probably "mongoloid" in the text that follows. I will say things that may appear racist, misogynistic, bigoted and probably misopediastic too (yeah, I had to look it up, too; it's the term for someone who hates children).
Just remember, as we venture into this balanced and reasoned film analysis, that all the offense and indignancy you feel, along with any subsequent hatred you develop for me as a result, are unequivocally and categorically 100% the fault of the makers (or should I say re-makers?) of the new Karate Kid flick.
And we should all hate them for that.
The Re-Make
This is a re-make, so don't tell me it's not fair to compare this with the original. Of course it's fair! It's a re-make, I've seen the original, and this is happening whether you like it or not.
Hell, the movie even encourages the audience to draw comparisons by heavy-handedly shoe-horning several lame-ass homages to its predecessor throughout it's 2 hours and 20 minutes running time.
The playful wink to the audience as an quaint old Chinese guy trims bonsai trees in the background. The chopstick Mr Miyagi, I mean Mr HAN, is holding when we first see him... and there is a fly... and wait, is he going to try to... no! Oh how clever, he hit it with a fly-swat instead! Brilliant!
Movie: Hey, Audience, geddit!? This ISN'T the character you remember from the first film, wink-wink, ha-ha!
Audience: Thanks for that, Movie, and can I just say I think you're totally awesome!
Movie: Shucks, but yeah, you're right, I am.
No, Movie, you're not. Mr Miyagi was what made the first film great! Pat Morita's portrayal of the stoic but ultimately emotionally crippled Karate teacher was pitch-perfect, right down to the little bits of sweat on his forehead and glimmers of moisture in his eyes.
I also enjoyed some of the documentaries Pat made under the name David Suzuki.
Jackie Chan plays the character in an entirely different way -- which is fine and probably the right choice -- but he doesn't really DO anything with his own portrayal. He's a natural comedian, but does he choose to make Miyagi... sorry, I mean HAN... overtly funnier and play to his acting strength? No, he keeps the movie pretty much devoid of humour, and makes his character bland an uninteresting for too much of the film.
And while the basic story is pretty much the same as the original, there are stupid little differences. Let's have a look at a few, just to give you a taste...
(And I guess some of these will be spoilers, so mind your sensitive eyes)
The main character is a black kid who moves from Detroit to China, and the teacher is a Chinese Kung Fu Master instead of an Okinawan Karate Master.
Instead of the iconic lines "wax-on wax-off", "paint-the-fence" and "sand-the-floor", we get... oh God it's ridiculous... "take off the jacket, hang the jacket, put the jacket back on". See, coz the kid in this one has a habit of never hanging his jacket up, and... oh screw it, I won't explain. It's just really dumb.
Instead of a group of maybe 16-year olds scuffling and doing Karate on each other, you've got a bunch of 12 year old kids doing Martix-style Kung Fu on wires, complete with slow-motion, shakey-cam, fast zoom and other MTV effects. You would think that makes the action superior to the first film, but it doesn't. It just makes it look silly. And in parts it's even perversely brutal. These kids are 12, how does it make sense that they are trying to break each other's legs and give each other brain damage?
When the kid needs to be healed, this new version has Miyagi, sorry, HAN, actually SET HIM ON FIRE to cure him, instead of clapping, rubbing hands together and massaging the wounded area.
Oh and they changed the ending. Instead of the original crane move that allowed our hero to win his final match, the finishing move in this one -- and you'll probably think I'm joking but it's true -- is snake charming! Yeah, he hypnotizes his opponent with his eyes, forcing him to mirror his slight head movements... before jumping 6 feet in the air, flipping upside down and kicking him in the face with his broken leg.
Come on retards, if you're going to change things, make them better, more relevent or at least understand the narrative reason they were included in the movie in the first place! Don't shuffle random details around on post-it notes just so you can say you put some creativity into the movie.
Jackie Chan says to the kid -- after he has just revealed that playing with a jacket for 2 weeks has made him an awesome kung fu fighter -- "Everything is Kung Fu!". If I was the kid, I wouldn't have been able to resist ripping a fart and saying "really? Was that fart Kung Fu, Han? It sure doesn't smell like Kung Fu to me, it smells like shit... oh wait that's the smell of what's coming out of your mouth right now!" Then I'd kick him in the balls and storm out of his homo garden.
Speaking of which, who even CARES if "Everything is Kung Fu"? This is the Karate Kid, what the fuck is Kung Fu doing in this movie anyway!? Just call it the Kung Fu Kid, as previously planned, and stop trying to milk goodwill from the previous film, you disgusting marketing sharks!
The Cast
Let's not kid ourselves... Jackie Chan is the reason we even consider seeing this movie, right? And despite the criticisms I have of him above, he was ok in this film. He even managed to pull of a dramatic scene which could well have been quite silly if done badly.
But that's old Jackie-boy, how bad could he be? What about the rest of the cast?
Well, Jaden Smith completely fails to bring any life whatsoever to his character.
Just in case you didn't know, he is the son of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, who -- no, really!? -- happen to be the producers of this movie! I guess he must have gotten the role on merit and... then... SUGGESTED his folks as possible producers, right? Oooh yah, that's how it went DOWN, for sure!
Anyway, he was pretty good as Will Smith's kid in "The Pursuit of Happyness," but he kinda had a free pass on account of being so young. And you know how most young kids, are, like, crap, right?
But surely he'd be channeling the charisma and star quality of his superstar father in every scene now that he's a bit old? No, not at all. He cries in one scene, but the rest of the time he wanders around the movie, tired and listless. Sometimes he speaks so quietly you can't hear him. It seems to be he has this slight misconception that being cool means you have to appear not to care about anything.
Plus, he is WAY too androgynous for my taste. He has a girl's eyelashes and lips, and those long dreads aren't doing him any favours. He better not eat too much hormone-treated chicken, because if he grows tits, some dude is going to fuck him.
It all adds to the disturbing homo-paedo-erotic subtext that seems to permeate the film. And if you think I'm imagining it, re-watch that scene where Han and Dre's hands are tied together with bamboo poles and their shadows are dancing gracefully on the wall. The whole thing rings of freakish Kamasutra diagrams to me.
Either way, his scrawny, unprepared body does nothing to convince me he could fight a real Kung Fu tough-guy. Can we get a couple of push-ups out of you before you star in your first action film, Jaden? No? Daddy says you're fine the way you are? OK, just go watch Spongebob then.
Who else do we have? Oh the girlfriend, played by newcomer Wenwen Han. I mean putting aside the pointlessness of having a romantic sub-plot in a movie featuring 12 year olds, this girl slouched around the entire film grinning like a retard and muttering in incomprehensible broken English. I know it's harsh to criticize her for not having good English, but there are 1.3 BILLION people in China, and almost half of those have gotta be female! Was this spastic, blinking, fence post of a girl really the best they could do?
Although, I can imagine, if they were re-making the original Gremlins, she'd be a shoe-in for the role of Spike. As a Gremlin. Not not the cute, furry thing.
Of course, what is a Karate Kid movie without it's bullying, mean-spirited antagonist? Well I think the casting director may have a problem recognizing congenital birth defects, because for this role they chose the poor mongoloid boy, Zhenwei Wang. And he's not one of the happy-looking ones who wants to hug everyone, either. He's an evil mongoloid.
His Kung Fu is pretty effective, considering he probably has one of those weird bended pinky-fingers and stumpy legs, but his acting is wooden and simply way to evil. I didn't really understand why he picked a fight with our title character in the first place, and then at the end, when he tries to act magnanimous after losing to Daniel... sorry, I mean DRE... well the actor hasn't earned the moment and it comes across completely disingenuous.
I could go on... the gang of Kung Fu bullies... one of them looks like he is 4 years old... the evil Kung Fu Master... I'd rather stare into the laser of my PC's mouse for 4 hours than watch him... the girlfriend's stern father... simply, idiotic -- one minute he bans his daughter from coming to Dre's tournament, then the next he's claiming she's going because their family always keep their word.
The whole movie is full of holes, inconsistencies, misfires and bad acting.
Conclusion
Well, add my voice to the chorus of the anti-re-make capaigners, because this one has really taken the wind out of my sails. It seems that re-makes never manage to improve on or even equal their predecessors, and I'm old enough to not need the glossy Hollywood updates.
I wish they'd just go back to ripping off the best Asian movies... there must be a few more good ones lying around just waiting for plagiarization!? How about Audition, or The Host? I'd love to see a watered-down, sanitized version of those pitched at six year olds.
Sorry, what movie were we talking about again? Oh yeah Karate Kid. Damn, for a moment there it was mercifully fading from my memory, like that bad nightmare I had featuring Mariah Carey and Drew Carey as a perverse swinging couple a-la Eyes Wide Shut, who have a weird half-pengiune/half-midget son that has shark's teeth in its beak and no genitals.
One more of those and I'll need a shrink.
Anyhoo, I'm a optimist, so if there's anything good that has come from watching Karate Kid 2010, other than learning the word misopediastic, is that it has inspired me to keep on living at least another 10 years.
Because by then, Jackie Chan will be too old to beat me in a fight, and I'll be able to hunt him down and kick his wrinkled old ass for making this steaming pile of turtle turds that dares to call itself a movie!
1.5 stars, for Jackie Chan convincingly crying.
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