Popcorn Lobotomy

I love it when people quote their favourite directors. It’s inevitable that a few names pop up – Spielberg for one. But really, if you’d come from outer space and sat down to watch Spielberg’s last 5 films – would you really put him on top of your list? You’re more likely to vomit in your hands and then punch your new host for suggesting them to you – having just used half of the air supply from your home planet.

Your host is likely then to dress you up a like a woman and take you to see the new Martin Scorsese film – Shutter Island, as way of an apology. On the way he’d be explaining to you that this guy made Goodfellas – the greatest gangster film ever made, and a slew of amazing other films including Taxi Driver, Casino and Raging Bull! But due to the alien vomit burning into his skin and the imminent fear of death through alien death ray – he’d forget to tell you that these films were written by two amazing screenplay artists, Nikolas Pillegi and Paul Schrader – and that when Scorsese is left to conjure up magic on his own… he sucks more than the time your finger punched through the toilet paper and you got pink eye.

Nothing illustrates this point better than Shutter Island.

The story?

Two detectives, played by Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffaelo travel to a psychiatric hospital on a hostile island to investigate the disappearance of one of the inmates/patients. They question the staff, the warden, the doctors, etc. trying to piece together what has happened, and, low and behold, nothing is quite what it seems. In fact, nothing makes sense, and the more they dig the more peculiar things become. Sounds intriguing, right? Well, kind of – but the more you watch the more answers are left unanswered and the more lost you become as to what the fuck is really going on: Leo’s character is somehow intricately involved with the strangeness, are the doctors conducting tests on the subjects or aren’t they, is his new detective buddy really who he says he is??

I like a bit of mystery – I like my curiosity to be ignited, but that interest has to be founded on something that makes sense, or could possibly make sense. The guy who wrote this wrote Alexander. Nuff said. He’s also penning James Cameron’s Battle Angel according to IMDB. My only hope is that Jim sends him to the bottom of the Atlantic in one of his subs and it implodes.

Anyway, I won’t go far as to say I hated it, yet… there was enough there that made me not walk out. The whole story was building to a point where, one way or another, we’d be able to make sense of the whole mess and --

-- HE WAS A PATIENT ON THE ISLAND LIVING OUT AN INTRICATE PLAN DESIGNED BY THE DOCTOR TO CURE HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL BECAUSE HIS WIFE KILLED HIS KIDS AND HE WENT INSANE!!!

Now… you may be annoyed at the choice I just made. But if you’re risking annihilation from an alien species on the strength of our film culture, I’ve really got your best interests at heart. Take the little guy to see Fantastic Mr. Fox, or something with a bit of substance. Please don’t support this movie. It’s lazy, derivative and honestly - boring. You get a buzz at the end because finally everything makes sense, and there’s a temptation to applaud the film-makers – but it’s just a trick. Remember when you were eight and you couldn’t think of a cool way to end your story so you wrote – “And then I woke up!” This is just like that.

2 stars. (one because Leonardo is actually pretty good despite everything, another because it has the most ridiculous music cues EVER that it’s actually funny – you’ll know what I mean if you ever watch it)