Popcorn Lobotomy

But in fact it's difficult to determine what audience this movie is pitched at. If it's for youngsters, then why does it contain the scene showing a bunch of dead crime bosses sitting at a table, with their decapitated heads on plates like a ghoulish last supper? Or the scene where M Bison strings up a woman and repeatedly punches her in the face until he is specled with droplets of blood? And don't get me started on the scene where M Bison decides to use the dark arts to free himself from conscience, so takes his wife to a cave, rips the baby from her womb (with the obligatory droplets of blood coating his face), and then somehow transfers the goodness of his soul to his embryonic daughter.

If it's for adults, then why the nursery-rhyme-level narration? Why the cartoon violence? Why the pandering story-telling (I think The Legend of Chun Li is the only movie I've ever seen that includes a black and white flashback to something you saw only 90 seconds earlier)?


Story

The main story follows Chun Li on a journey of revenge against M Bison for the supposed murder of her father, all the while building her fighting skills in preparation for the final battle. On the way she learns her father is not really dead, but kept in a room on a computer to perform whatever evil hacking M Bison requires of him, transforming the story into more of a rescue mission.

In parallel, we are treated to an inside glance at two random cops investigating M Bison and his criminal activities. The girl is a sexy-talking, leather-wearing, motorcycle-riding rebel. Her male counterpart is... er... well... he is Chris Klein, Oz from the American Pie movies, desperately trying to act tough despite his whiny voice and boyish looks. He really has become the poor-man's Keaneu Reeves. The chemistry between the two is forced and awkward, making for one of the most banal and uncomfortable love stories ever to be jammed into an action film.

Various references are made to the video game, yet nothing is particularly faithful. I recall one of the vague pleasures of the first Street Fighter movie was watching each character evolve to resemble their digital equivalents. No such pleasure here, as everyone is portrayed realistically, as plain old normal everyday people. Well, normal everyday people who can jump 12 feet in the air, fly horizontally across a room, and create what appear to be giant translucent gum balls to hurl at each other.


Fight Scenes

So what about the big draw card of this movie: the fight scenes? Well, the few fight scenes that are included in the movie are unforgivably ridiculous. The mystical aspects of the fights are so random and inexplicable that they become laughable, and completely undermine some fairly noble attempts at creating realistic versions of the special moves from the video game.

For instance, during an early fight scene, Chun Li's father deliberately sets his hand on fire in order to make his punches more punishing, then somehow manages to shoot the fire along a metal chain to turn the bad guy into a screaming fireball.

Every character seems to be able to jump in the air, and then change direction and fly across a room toward their assailant. The mind-boggling physics are never explained or even excused, they are just portrayed as if this is what people can do.

Now before anyone gets upset, I understand this is based on a video game where magical moves are the main feature. I played Street Fighter 2 when I was a kid, and realise that at some point Chun Li would have to create a fireball or perform a spinning bird kick. It's just that the movie can't decide whether it's a balls-out magic-fest, or whether it wants to portray semi-realistic approximations of the outlandish video game moves. The mix of the two just doesn't sit right, making it feel a little ridiculous when master Gen and Chun Li are casually hanging out together on a roof top, each of them meditating and nursing a giant glowing gum ball in their lap

There's the obligatory training-while-blindfolded scene, where Chun Li must attempt to catch ovesized ball bearings as her master, Gen, perfectly ricoches them off a series of bells. Of course trickster Gen soon gets bored with such an un-challenging training exercise and piffs one directly into the back of Chun Li's head, throwing her forward into a buzzing circular saw. She manages to stop her face from being split in two, so, naturally, he attempts to cut her in half with a blue glowing sword. She catches it between her hands just before it enters her skull, removes her blindfold, and her training is pretty much complete.


Script

Believe it or not, the ball bearing training scene is not even the most ridiculous scene in the movie. No, friends, that award goes to the scene where Chun Li seduces a lesbian crime lord in a night club and lures her into the bathroom for sex before slamming her face into a cubicle door and then viciously breaking her arm. With the generous helping of classic bitch-fight upskirts, this scene is one of those, I-can't-believe-I'm-really-watching-this moments that makes you wonder if you've been invited to a private screening of dirty uncle Larry's latest home movie in his basement.

I think I can sum up the quality of the script by quoting some dialogue that occurs during Chun Li's first training session. Gen beats the crap out of our hero, including, if the sound effects are any indication, breaking several fingers, dislocating an elbow, and kicking her knee hard enough to put her on the waiting list for a full reconstruction.

Gen: "Why are you mad right now?"

Chun Li: "Because you're hurting me."

Gen: "No... [wise pause]... you're hurting yourself."

The writing on this movie is, quite simply, an abomination. If it had kept my attention well enough to make me actually listen to it, I'm sure it would have made my ears bleed.

There's more, but I'm sure you've got this gist of it by now.


The Verdict

1 star - for Kristen Kreuk's previous work, when she was cute enough to get away with her drab acting.